Mirror, Mirror

 For the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing this weird thing. I seem to be looking in the mirror a lot and sort of checking to see if anything is different. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to see. That suddenly I’ll find there’s been a Cinderella miracle? Or that time has started moving backward and I’m getting younger? Or that I look worse than the last time I looked? That some new wrinkles have appeared? What is this about? Well, I think it’s because I’ve been interacting with some women recently whom I hadn’t seen in a while—and guess what? I think they look better than me!

I compare myself to others. Yes. Sixty years old and I’m still doing it, the adolescent behavior of measuring my worth by how I compare to others. I’m sort of embarrassed to admit it. Yet I think there’s value in being honest. It helps me to get the truth out in the open, and maybe my confession will help someone else. I do believe this comparison thing is pretty common in women, regardless of our age and stage in life. We all know someone (or many) we consider better looking, thinner, prettier, smarter, or more successful that we feel we are. After spending time with them we begin to feel negative about ourselves. I know this is a self-defeating behavior, and I don’t want to do it. So why do I? And how do I stop? Maybe the reason I compare all the time is because there is something in me, put there by God, that makes me want to live up to some standard. Maybe it’s just that I’m trying to measure up to the wrong standard—I’m looking to other people when I ought to be looking to God. What does God think about me?

I know that God loves me so much that He provided a way for me to escape the punishment that was due me because of my sins. I deserve death—eternal separation from God. But God through Jesus Christ paid for my sins on the cross. Jesus died for me. Internalizing that fact alone ought to be enough to raise my self-esteem. I am made in the image of God. “. . . God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). And I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14).

God doesn’t base my worth on how much gray is in my hair or how much I weigh or how toned my abs are or my IQ or how good I am at anything. True, as a Christian God’s Holy Spirit dwells in me, and because of this I should care for my physical body. But God is far more interested in what I’m like on the inside than the outside; He cares about the condition of my heart--the emotional and spiritual part of me. God cares about my attitude. Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I forgiving? Do I tally up the wrongs of others? How am I doing in the “selfless department?” Does my life reflect the God in whose image I am made? Am I living in daily dependence on Him, or am I relying on my own power to do what is right (and failing)?  

I think the next time I’m tempted to start “checking” I will take a few more steps past the bathroom mirror to my little home office and sit in my favorite chair and open the Book that reminds me of the truth about my value—and other nice things such as “Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness” (Proverbs 16:31).

And maybe I will stick a note on my bathroom mirror that says HEART CHECK.

Get Up and Walk

At church on Sunday a few of us got into a lighthearted discussion about whining. You know, the poor me, nobody cares, I can’t, it’s too hard, I’m closing the blinds and going back to bed” kind of whining. We laugh about whining. We know it’s unproductive and that nobody wants to hear it, but don’t we all do it at times? When we whine, what is it that we are trying to accomplish? If all behavior is an attempt to meet a need, then what need are we trying to fill when we whine to others? Are we looking for validation? Do we want somebody to say they care? The thing is those platitudes that people try to offer when we whine don’t really help very much--maybe a little. But soon we’re back to our situation and nothing has changed.

Sometimes whining feels like our only option. We don’t know what to do, how to cope. We’re full of anxiety, discouragement, and maybe even despair. Maybe we’ve become depressed and are getting to the point where we don’t even care anymore. We stop trying. It doesn’t matter, nothing changes. We may be so tired of our circumstances that we withdraw from relationships completely. We  stop whining. We suffer in silence, and we isolate. We isolate ourselves from the people who love us, those closest even. In marriage many times when we’re hurting we build an invisible wall between us and our spouse. Maybe we even blame our spouse for the way we feel. On a personal note—I did this in my own marriage for a long time, and it only ended up causing me more pain. The desire to close ourselves off from others when we’re hurting is very powerful, irresistible even. And once we’re in that place, it’s hard to climb out.

I don’t have to tell you that human life involves hardship--times when we face major obstacles such as unresolvable conflict with our spouse, serious illness (our own, our spouse’s, or that of a child), a job change or job loss, a long-distance move that we didn’t plan on, bankruptcy, or any kind of life event that rocks our world.  When circumstances feel overwhelming we start functioning on an emotional level only. We begin living in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, and we can’t seem to access our higher thinking—our “wise mind.” We withdraw and hole up in our emotional “safe place” and we want to be left alone. On some level we know that in order to get to a better place emotionally, we’re going to need to get out of the “safety” of our isolation, but doing so seems impossible. We are in a sense paralyzed.

In the Bible the Apostle John records an encounter between Jesus and a man who had been paralyzed for 38 years. There was a covered porch area around a pool of water near the temple in Jerusalem, where “crippled, blind, and lame” people would lie. From time to time a phenomenon would occur, in which the water of the pool would become “stirred,” similar to the way water moves in a hot tub or Jacuzzi. If a person would enter the water when the water was stirred, they would be healed of their disability. The man in the story would be brought to the pool every day, but he’d never gotten into the water. Jesus walked up to him and asked him, “Do you want to get well?” (Jn.5:6 NIV). The man didn’t answer the question directly but told Jesus that someone would always get into the water ahead of him, and that he had no one to help him get in. Jesus got right to the point. He told the man, “Pick up your mat and walk!” The man was paralyzed! He couldn’t get up! And yet that is what Jesus told him to do. The man tried to stand, and he found that he could, and then—he picked up his mat and walked! Jesus had healed him! (John 5:1-5 NIV)

Like the man by the pool we may feel powerless to change our circumstances--paralyzed. We may believe that living in emotional pain is our lot in life. We may be very broken by things we’ve done, or by what’s been done to us. We may have deep emotional scars; feel defeated; unable to rise out of our inner sense of shame. We may try to numb our pain—by constant activity or by using some substance, or by some compulsive behavior or some other addiction. Maybe it’s control—if we can just keep everything and everybody under control, then we’re okay—except we’re always frustrated because nothing ever seems to go the way we think it should.

How is it for you? Have you built walls around your heart? Are you existing but not really living? Do you “lie by the pool” day after day, waiting for that “stirring of the waters” that will suddenly change your life? As one who lay by the pool for a very long time, missing out on the best parts of life, existing but never really thriving--until I learned how I could change my life--I want to encourage you. You can have a different life—By putting your faith in Jesus Christ and making the choice to move forward you can get to a better place--but you can’t do it alone. We are created for relationship, and it is in relationship that we grow and change. Many people find great support in a Christian coaching relationship. Using a biblical approach, Christian coaching addresses a person’s spiritual and emotional needs, providing compassionate care and understanding, and gets results! The Christian coach has personal experience in the change process, and will walk beside you, help you gain insight into how to change, help you set and achieve goals, help you stop doing the things that are hurting you and help you start doing the things that lead to real healing.